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Sunday, April 03, 2011

BLOG! POST! READ! NOW!

Yep. We've painted our nails. What of it?
You know those days when, at the end of the day, you sit down with a sort of shell-shocked look on your face? The one which sends you running for the sherry?
Ok, I know, I'm not 89 but I does like me a sherry of an evenin' - wine's just got too much, um, liquid in it. The only liquid I drink in copium is tea. The rest has to be concentrated, syrup-like.
(Yes, I do believe I totally just made up the word copium, but we're liking, yes?)

Gerrout of it Mummy, this is our camp.
Well, this week has had its fill of days like this. No major disasters. No trip to A&E, no antiobiotics, no ermergency vets, chilli accidents, rotary blade cutting incidents, poisonings, squashings, tiger maulings or blocked toilets.

In fact, it was all just run of the mill stuff.  But don't some days just seem so very, very packed with the run of the mill stuff, that you are quite astonished to discover the day didn't contain 38 hours more than normal?

Tuesday felt like a speeded up version of itself. And my interaction with my daughters seemed to exist entirely of trying to stuff food in their faces, get them into different clothes, and get them out of the door. You will notice the day starts full of vocabulary and over-statement, with some histrionics and exaggeration thrown in; and ends in barked one-word commands in a shrieky voice.
Yes. They are sticky jewel decorations.

7.40am Begin the yelling from the kitchen that if they want breakfast it's now or never. Get no result, so continue the yelling from the kitchen, finishing with such apocalyptic hyperbole as "Oh my good grief and shenanigans could you please just get your cereals or you will be going to school hungry and then you'll fall over and graze your knee and Hetty for God's sake go and do a wee you're doing the wee wee wiggle again stop holding it in or your bladder will burst all over this floor"
7.50am Curse the lack of intravenous tea-drip, and briefly imagine strapping one of those sucky-tube water-bottle thingies that cyclists use to my dressing-gown ties for morning tea application.
8.01am Start the beautiful singing of the "Will You Two Please Get Dressed" song, whose sweet melody can be heard for the next 20 minutes, culminating in a wondrous crescendo at 14 minutes past 8am.
8.14am Ok so that's a lie - it's actually like a practise session for the Fishwives of England Competition, culiminating in a stuttering panic-ridden shriek of "Will you for the love of all that is holy please just get dressed before I lose all my minimal remaining marbles and have an apoplectic fit! ISLA! PANTS! HETTY! TEETH! PANTS! SOCKS! TEETH! PANTS! SOCKS! PANTS! SOCKS! PANTS! PANTS!" followed by "Oh lord, where for the love of god is your reading book and where did those hairbands ping to last night when we were flicking them at bedtime you'll get nits!"
It's a beautiful song, beautiful.
8.17am Cue the lyrical, melodious song - "Get Out, Get Out, Get Out of the Door" 

Is this helping you type Mummy? Is it? Is it helping?
And thus it continued.  After a peaceful morning's work, there were the 28 minutes after getting Hetty from preschool and before getting Isla from schoo.
(HETTY! COAT! DOOR! HETTY! DOOR!)
Then there were the 22 minutes between getting Isla and getting ready for Art Club
(JAM SANDWICH! MILK! ART CLOTHES! WEE! DOOR! NOW!)
Then the 34 minutes between getting them from Art Club and getting ready for the School Dinner Launch Tasting Session at school
(NOODLES! EAT! COAT! DRINK! WEE! QUICK! CAR! NOW!)
And lastly the now rather belated bedtime.

(TEETH! WEE! FACE! HANDS! PYJAMAS! BOOK! TEDDY!)

I don't know whether I ate at any point; I often lapse when working my tiny work-crammed 5 hour day. I think perhaps I didn't, because I positively stuffed my face at the School Dinner Tasting on three different dinners - vegetable lasagne, chicken curry, beef pasta, salad, and garlic bread; stealing my children's food (look, they'd had noodles, ok?) and even getting seconds. Delicious, almost enough to make me become a teacher so that I can eat that for lunch every day.

But let's face it, that's probably not a good career choice for me, because I'm pretty sure teaching does not consist of "READ! WRITE! LEARN! DRAW! GLUE! STICK! PLAY!"

So come and find me and tell me - what's your favourite barked command?  Or one you remember your own mother saying?  Come on, let's all get it out of our systems!  Leave a comment below or pop one in at our Facebook page.

9 comments:

Fiona said...

So glad I'm not the only one who has hectic days like that, pretty much on a daily basis! It is amazing that any of us working mums manage to get anything productive done under those conditions isn't it?

Mairi said...

Well, it's not to a child, but to my husband. It's the extremely barked command of 'DOOR!' when he's left a door open, thus creating a draft. I realise this is entirely because my mother yelled the same thing at us, along with the extended double disc version of 'I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN A CORRIDOR!'

Turning into one's mother, it turns out is inevitable.

Alice said...

'SHOES, SHOES, SHOES, COAT, COAT, COAT!' and I do a lot of 'PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN OR I WILL GO INSANE' which leads to 'ITS SO BORING, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT OVER AND OVER AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT OVER AND OVER, SO JUST DO IT THE FIRST TIME!'

oh my, it is just so exhausting!

Anita said...

WAKE UP! CHORES! FEED THE DOGS! NOW! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE AWAY YOUR CELL PHONE! D*$! DOGS! FEED THE DOGS! ARE YOUR CHORES DONE?
Hee hee hee...maybe I should work on coming up with new instructions. :)

Caroline said...

'STOP IT. LOOK WHERE YOU'RE GOING. PUT THAT DOWN, THATS NOT A TOY' repeated again and again until one of us breaks. Usually me...

Sometimes, when my husband gets home, I find it VERY HARD TO STOP SHOUTING. Nice to know we're not alone though eh?!

Swirlyarts said...

Hah - mine is normally 'Get your knickers on' to my younger daughter who is often found naked, reading or playing instead of getting dressed for school!

CraftHippy said...

Coat, Bike, Homework, Phone, Room, TIDY PLEASE!! My youngest son (10) actually fell into a ditch this morning on the way to school (bike 'n all) and i was so busy teeth grinding and hurumphing about all that I had to do today that the dog and I had continued to walk up our lane for a full two minutes before I noticed that bike and son were missing. How bad is that!

Amanda Jane said...

I have 3 stock phrases one for each of 'em. "Why aren't you up yet? You will miss the bus!"
"Turn that TV down!" and "Don't eat any more of those biscuits" After 14 years of repeating myself, not even I take any notice!!!

Bev said...

I seem to spend my life shouting at the kids...in fact once I've started in the morning it just goes on until I skip happily out of the playground having dropped them off safely at school with people who don't spend their lives shouting at them!!! It's always 'Do it NOW please...'